Most people recap the day's events before going to sleep. This leads to insomnia for many people as they bemoan, analyze and judge every detail over and over. "What If…?" "If Only…," "He/she said…" or "He/she did…" are the refrains. Or perhaps you did or said something to someone else that provided that person opportunity to respond with an unkind or critical response. You may be on either the giving or receiving end of the opportunity for distress. The situations you're looking for may be as serious as a physical altercation or as innocuous as a mumbled snide remark. And then at night instead of falling asleep you assign a value of gross injustice to the incidents. This is a recipe for insomnia to be sure. However, there is no need to keep this losing cycle going.
For each incident of perceived injustice, follow this three-step process in your mind instead of the late night tossing and turning:
• Forgive yourself
• Forgive the other person
• Give the other person permission to forgive you
1. Forgive yourself for any harm you may have done to yourself or anyone else. You need to reach the sincere, strong heart-felt feeling stage in forgiving yourself. Some people find this the most difficult part of the exercise as we are taught from a young age to forgive others, but one isn't taught to forgive oneself. We often have much higher expectations and standards for ourselves than we do for others. Give yourself the same consideration you give others. Note that forgiving is the first step. It is impossible to truly forgive another, if you are unwilling or unable to forgive yourself.
2. Forgive the other person for any harm he/she may have done to you. This means a sincere, strong heartfelt feeling stage to forgive them. Realize that he/she is merely a person who is threatened in some way, has feelings, and is working on a particular agenda. You aren't letting them off the hook for their "unacceptable' behavior or lack of respect; you are acknowledging that everything anyone does is prompted by something in that person's life that has no reflection on your or your character.
3. Give the other person permission to forgive you for any harm you may have caused him/her. There are two points involved in this step. First point that that only rarely is a situation completely one-sided. You have your piece in the situation—perhaps unwittingly, but none the less it is your piece of the equation. Own your piece. The contributing factor might be as small as merely being at the wrong place at the wrong time. The second point is that we bring our own personal attitudes, prejudices and values to every event in our lives. And our perspective is probably entirely different from the other person. From the other person's point of view, his/her actions or words may be completely rational, logical and true. If you neglect or refuse to complete this step of the process, you will find that the forgiveness process is neither completely satisfying nor effective.
The three-step forgiveness process takes you half-way to your goal of neutralizing specific negativity. Forgiving is half the process. The other half is accomplished by finding some element of good for you in the negative experience. Ask yourself—What can I learn from this experience? Whether the volume of that good equates to only a tiny seed of good or to an entire galaxy of good is irrelevant. You need to find some aspect that is positive for you. Every experience benefits you, if you reflect on its value for the long-term. The value might be that you learn: What to do or What not to do.
Ultimately, forgiveness is for you, not for anyone else. With forgiveness you can achieve peace of mind. If you fail to forgive you continue to carry that 'baggage' forward—gathering more as you go until you have a heavy load to carry.
Forgiving yourself and others is the key to happiness.
