Forgiveness—Truths and Myths

Forgiveness Is:

• our true spiritual nature. It allows you to see your life as it really is, maybe for the first time. You cut through the denial, minimizing, or justifying what others have done, or the pain that you have suffered. It allows you to look squarely at old wounds and scars and see them for what they are. It allows you to see how much energy you wasted and how much damage was caused by holding onto the anger, resentment and revenge.

• a reflection of one's self-esteem, integrity and wholeness. It allows you to put the past into its proper perspective. We no longer identify ourselves by our past injuries and injustices. We are no longer victims. We claim the right to stop hurting when we say: "I am willing to take my life back, and I want to heal." At that moment, forgiveness becomes a possibility—although it may take time and work before it is achieved.

• an act of letting go of the past. Forgiveness can not erase what you experienced.

Forgiveness allows you to set the stage to eliminate the pain of the past. Thus, the pain from your past no longer dictates how you live and no longer determines your future.

• our true nature stepping forward. It means that we no longer want to get even, or spend time dreaming of how we will make them suffer for what they did to us. It is realizing that we may never be able to "even the score" and that even if we did that nothing we do to punish them will help to heal us. It is discovering the inner peace that we feel when we let go of the past and stop the thoughts of vengeance.

• moving on. Forgiveness is acknowledging all that we have lost because of our refusal to forgive. It's realizing that the energy that we spent hanging on to the past is better spent on creating peace of mind. It's letting go of the past so that we can move on.

Deciding to forgive someone who has harmed you is probably the hardest choice you will ever make. Seemingly, some hurts and betrayals are too horrible to forgive. Our indoctrinations tell us to avenge the person who caused us pain, to demand contrition, apology, reparations, or promise resolution for the debt he/she owes you. As Spiritual beings having a human experience, we need to connect with our purpose for being here. The soul's soul purpose for being here is to create emotional and spiritual growth. (Ephesians 4:32). The ego holding anger, resentment or seeking revenge thwarts the soul's quest for emotional and spiritual growth.

Only forgiveness releases us from a life of hatred and bitterness. "Forgiving is a journey, sometimes a long one for you," wrote Lewis B. Smedes in Shame and Grace. "We may need some time before we get to the station of complete healing, but the nice thing is that we are being healed en route. When we genuinely forgive, we set a prisoner free and then discover the prisoner we set free was us."

Empowering thoughts about forgiveness:

• Forgiveness is a choice and a decision.

We can not necessarily forgive just because we want to, but asking the question—Do I want to forgive?—can open possibilities. We can choose not to forgive now, later or never. Framing forgiveness as a choice brings it to a conscious decision-making level.

• Forgiveness puts the forgiver in control.

Many of us believe that our own happiness cannot be achieved until the offender comes to us to ask for forgiveness, or learns their lesson, or promises to be different. If your happiness is dependent upon the behavior of other people, you are allowing them to be in control. Forgiveness is an empowering process—"If only I could," "I wonder if I could...," I will…."

• Forgiveness is an act stating who you are—not who the offender is.

Forgiving another is a reflection of your self-esteem, courage, strength, integrity, and wholeness.

• Forgiveness is similar to mourning a death.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance as the five stages of grieving (or dying, or loss). Forgiveness is what you do when acceptance is not enough, when you've lost something important—a relationship, a dream, a self-image, a physical ability—and you still feel empty or bitter inside. You start forgiving the other person for having died or having left you or having injured you. Forgiveness completes the grieving process, allowing you not only to "move on," but to become stronger and more loving.

Forgiveness is a way of life. It might not necessarily be easy, but it's rewarding. When you forgive, your heart opens. When you hold onto resentment or anger toward another your heart constricts. When you have an open heart you are free to live life fully and completely without any constraints.

Myth: If I forgive, I am letting the person off the hook.

Forgiveness and justice are separate issues. You can forgive someone and still press charges or choose to discontinue a relationship. Forgiveness keeps the doors to your heart open.

Myth: I will only forgive if the other person apologizes.

Many people believe that without an apology, contrition, reparations, promises of reform, or at least sincerity on the part of the wrongdoer, it is impossible to forgive. People wait for the wrongdoer to make it right.

Insisting on an apology, contrition, reparation, promises, etc. assigns forgiveness as a bargaining chip to control someone who misbehaved. We relinquish control by refusing to forgive. Thus, we place our power of forgiveness—our peace of mind—into the wrongdoer's hands.

Myth: Forgiveness implies that what the other person did was okay.

To condone is to excuse, tolerate, overlook, disregard, trivialize, or minimize an offense. When someone considers forgiveness, they do so without excusing or minimizing the offense, and do not perceive it to be trivial. The behavior is considered wrong, stupid, insensitive, hurtful, or criminal.

Myth: I probably already forgave him.

Many of us fool ourselves into thinking we have forgiven when we haven't. We convince ourselves, "I have already forgiven you," before we had time to explore our feelings, or the consequences of the abuse, or even exactly what had happened. We leapfrog over the process, avoid any conflict, and arrive at that comfortable place of resolution: It's all over now. It's tempting to pretend the incident didn't really matter. But you can't go directly from "nothing bad happened" to "I forgive you."—because in that case there would be nothing to forgive.

Myth: Forgiving means the offender didn't really hurt you.

People often think if they forgive, it lessens the severity of the offense. Forgiveness doesn't deny the hurt. You can clearly recognize the enormity of the hurt and let go of the emotional pain connected to the person or incident.

Lewis B. Smedes wrote, "Forgiveness is a redemption response to having been wronged and wounded. Only those who have wronged and wounded us are candidates for forgiveness. If they injure us accidentally, we excuse them. We only forgive the yous we blame."

Myth: Before forgiving, you need to understand why the offender hurt you.

Many people agonize—"Why did he/she (you)_____?" The human psyche yearns to sort out all the confusing puzzle pieces and fit them together neatly before we forgive. The truth is we can forgive an offender even if we never discover the reasons for the transgression. Philip Yancey wrote in What's So Amazing About Grace, "Not to forgive imprisons me in the past and locks out all potential for change. I thus yield control to another, my enemy, and doom myself to suffer the consequences of the wrong." Myth: You need to feel forgiving in order to forgive. Forgiveness is an act, not a feeling. You can feel hurt, betrayed, and angry, and still completely forgive the person, who wounded you. Forgiveness, including Biblical forgiveness is an act of will. It's a choice you make.

You might feel angry after you forgive. You might have fleeting moments of anger—feelings are a reminder you are in touch with reality. It is important to aim the anger at what your offender did, not at the offender. Then shift your anger toward peace of mind. We can not change the past, but we can create the future with peace of mind—no matter the past.

Myth: Forgiving means the offender will face no consequences.

When we choose to forgive, our forgiveness doesn't "let him/her off the hook." Forgiveness opens the door for you to achieve peace of mind, and the wheels of justice will turn as they will. In December 1983, Pope John Paul II visited his assailant, Mehmet Ali Agca, at the Rebibbia prison in Rome. In May 1981, Agca had aimed a pistol at the pope and shot him in the chest. After much pain and agony, John Paul recovered, and now he looked Agca in the eye, extended his hand, and said, "I forgive you." Even though the pope forgave him, Agca still faced the consequences of his crime. He served a lengthy prison sentence.

What you experienced, might not be a crime, however, the person has consequences. The person has lost your respect or presence in their life. On a deeper level—the offender—has incurred karmic debt (What goes around comes around) for which she/he will come face-to-face.

Myth: Punishing the offender is the only way to have closure.

On June 13, 1990, Linda Purnhagen saw her two daughters, Gracie, 16, and Tiffany, 9, for the last time. Dennis Dowthitt, a dangerously sick psychopath, strangled Tiffany to death, then raped Gracie and slit her throat. When authorities discovered the girls' bodies, they arrested and convicted Dowthitt, and scheduled his execution.

A decade later, executioners strapped him to his death gurney. Dowthitt apologized for the savage killings. His confession, apology, and execution brought little closure for Linda. She was disappointed after the execution, not relieved. Why, you might ask? Closure is a decision one makes within oneself. Confessions, apologies, imprisonment or execution only serves to remind us of the pain we experienced. Forgiveness is an act of taking back our integrity, peace of mind and wholeness.

Myth: Telling the offender face-to-face is the only way to truly forgive. There is no evidence this age-old myth is valid. One can forgive an offender without the offender ever knowing they are forgiven. Forgiveness is to set the offended free to move on—the offender has no reason to know what the offended party is doing.

One final thought. Love yourself enough to set yourself free, forgive and move on.